


The Ultimate Blart-y Animal

by AnnabethBlack



Category: Drawfee RPF, Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Mythical Creature Romance, One Shot, Romance Comedy, We're sorry, cringey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 16:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12039702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnabethBlack/pseuds/AnnabethBlack
Summary: A crackfic-esque one-shot exploring an electric (and incredibly cringey) romance between Drawga’s Favourite: Paul Blart Mall Cop and the Shape-Shifting Centipaur: Evelyn the Ultimate Party Animal.





	The Ultimate Blart-y Animal

“Why did we even come here?” 

The two lads looked up and around at the massive striped tent, far too huge to be simply named  _ The Big Top _ as it was bigger than big.

“Circuses are dumb and I HATE clowns.” The same one whined.

Both of them side-eyed the being that dominated the room. A plaque and the clown’s feet claimed that he had started off at fifteen feet tall but the truth in that was somewhat dubious. Clearly the chained beast was well over fifty feet tall and miserable to boot. Its painted head drooped pathetically. The wacky orange bush of hair was matted and untamed, left loose to fall flat against pink painted cheeks. From it’s slumped position a crazy flower dripped water sadly, creating a small pond at the giant’s feet. There was nothing funny about this clown. It was just sad. Terrifying, without a doubt, but mainly just sad.

“Well it was  _ meant _ to be a rave.” The other one frowned.

What was meant to be a flashmob rave at Circus Vargas had failed miserably with only ten people showing up and all of them having to pay $20 entry due to their distinct lack of party spirit. On the plus side group discount meant they only had to pay $4 to throw tomatos at the clown instead of the standard $5. That was a whole extra tomato if they spent another $20 on tomato throwing (which these two boys had).

“Let’s summon her. Get this party started.” The first suggested, looking excitedly at his friend.

“No. No! We barely made it out alive last time!” The second protested, his hands gripping firmly around his phone.

“I thought you were meant to be  _ cool _ . Her number will disappear from your phone if you aren’t.” 

A few words and a sly, taunting smile was all it took to make his friend slack his grip on the phone. The second disappointed party-goer opened his contacts and scrolled down to Evelyn. Her profile picture had changed once again to a close-up of a single eye enveloped in a painted pink lightning bolt that seemed to stare through the screen into his very soul. 

“This is a terrible idea,” he shook his head as he pressed dial. Instantly the call went to voicemail but that was all part of the ritual. “Oh man, this party is lame. I summon forth Evelyn.”

As he hung up the two boys looked around expectantly but nothing had appeared to change. The sad shackled clown still loomed ominously over the ten feeble ravers. The music had picked up in volume though: crackly circus sounds wheezing out of ancient loudspeakers tied to tent poles. 

“It didn’t work! Try again!” The first raver pushed his friend angrily on both shoulders.

“Over my dead body. You don’t just summon Evelyn  _ twice _ . If she wants to be here then she will. I’m not risking my neck any more because you’re suicidal.” The second friend pocketed his phone. 

As he did so there was a crash of thunder outside and a streak of lightning that illuminated the tent far too brightly to be natural. In that brief second both boys could see an organic shape growing and moving out in the surrounding fields. Their skin began to tingle as sweat formed on their brows. It was make or break time and they were not ready.

 

_ Crash! _

Out in the dark night Evelyn appeared in a green blast of light. Her thirty-person entourage all picked themselves up off the floor where their leader had ungraciously dumped them in order to scout out the new partying location. Everyone knows you don’t just teleport  _ in _ to a party. Who would want to risk burning up the dancefloor with something other than sick dance moves after all? Evelyn had learnt that lesson the hard way.

With a thirty pack of Keystone tucked under her arm, Evelyn trotted forward a few steps to squint through the moonlight. There was a huge tent ahead of them feebly emitting something that didn’t really count as music in her godly opinion. A crooked sign hammered into the grass read:

_ Circus Vargas _

_ The Big One is here _

“Are you sure this is the right place?” One of Evelyn’s partygoers stumbled to her side, rubbing a purple bump on his head.

There was a rattling hiss like one of a snake. Evelyn’s tail reared and pointed at the injured dude. 

“What did I tell you about questioning me Kyle?” Evelyn glanced at him sideways, her voice even more threatening than the scorpion tail. 

“S-Sorry Evelyn.” Kyle stammered and backed away into the crowd of people as they finally seemed to assemble themselves.

“Let’s move...” Evelyn to shout to her crew but she quickly fell silent as she spotted a small party heading into the tent.

There were five of them, all different shapes and sizes. In the dark it was difficult to tell who was what type of being but there was one distinct silhouette that caught her eye. A chubby man who whirred a step behind one of the others. In the half light Evelyn could see elven ears and a thick moustache that made her tingle all over. Beads of sweat dazzled enticingly on the back of his neck, above a tight white shirt. A belt straining to contain the fat around his hips accentuated ample buttocks that would fit snugly in Evelyn’s large hands.

It was as if someone had just struck Evelyn in the back of the neck with Cupid’s arrow. She hadn’t even seen him properly but Evelyn was enchanted by this stranger. The result was that her resolve to turn the pitiful party around was strengthened tenfold. Her mystery man had just vanished behind the tent flap and she was sure as hell going to follow him. Perhaps she might even be able to seduce him with the best party he had ever attended in his  _ life _ . 

“Tracey!” Evelyn barked. 

At her command, a frizzy-haired centaur with a boom box strapped to her back trotted to the front of the rabble.

“Turn on my jam.”

 

“What is that?” 

The two lads were looking fearfully around as the floor began to vibrate. In the distance the haunting notes of The Popcorn Song blared out of the darkness. Then the rumbling began and warcries mixed in with the music. The lights went out and everyone inside the tent screamed.

A flash like lightning streaked above the chained up clown, illuminating his dimples dramatically. A disco ball exploded into life above the dead-inside clown. The music began to stream out of the tent’s speakers, blaring loudly from every single angle of the space around them. A rabble of neon ravers crashed through the tent opening, filling up every available space. 

The summoners watched as Evelyn cantered in behind her squad, bowling over the Ringmaster in her enthusiasm. Within moments she had set up a fully functioning cocktail bar out of nothing, hijacked the sound booth with a DJ whose skin glowed brighter than Evelyn’s fluorescent war paint, and revitalized the energy of everyone present with a simple wave of her staff. It was hella impressive.

Having done her godly duty, Evelyn began to scour the crowd for that delicious chunk of a man she had spied upon arrival. Prowling through the bopping crowds became disheartening as a lap of the tent did not reveal him to her. 

“Hey, we just wanted to say thanks for-” The two summoners scurried up to Evelyn excitement lighting up their faces.

“Not now.” Evelyn brushed them to one side with a sweep of her arm, kicking them both in the head with her back hooves as she passed them for good measure.

It was not time for her to be bothered with simple mortals, summoners or not, as Evelyn had found her target in the last place she would have thought to look: the dancefloor. A technicoloured mat had been rolled out where the stands had previously been, the lights on the floor flashing bright to illuminate a single voluptuous dancer. Her jaw dropped as she moved closer, feeling pulled to this large beast of a man as though he was a magnet and she a lowly paperclip. 

He was all alone, pale and rotund like a snowman, blinding the room with his passionate grooving. The rest of his party seemed to have vanished as around him were only familiar faces to Evelyn, none of them quite as encapsulated as she was. 

“That man fills out his pants like a mall on Black Friday.” Kyle smirked as he sidled up to Evelyn.

“He sure does,” Evelyn was smouldering with anticipation. This was it. She could feel the  fire of longing within her. It was time to act upon it. “If  you blow this for me I will twist your head off like a bottle cap. Do you hear me?”

Evelyn pointed the sharp tip of her gem-topped staff at Kyle’s throat. The green Everald glinted menacingly in the disco light, causing Kyle to gulp in fear. 

“O-Of course Evelyn.” Kyle stammered once more, glancing sideways to check the location of her tail. 

It was pointed right at him.

Slowly, seductively, Evelyn sashayed forwards onto the dancefloor. Her hands pumped the air as she swished her hair from side to side. On her cue others converged onto the dance floor, their bodies grinding and flailing to the beat. 

As Evelyn pranced closer to her prey she saw when one of his beady eyes caught sight of her. His long ponytail had been whipping around but it fell flat as he squinted at her. A single spark burst to life in each of his black eyes as his thick double chins dropped to the ground. She was majestic to the point where it took his breath away. As the mystery man wheezed, Evelyn plucked up the courage to speak. 

“Where are your wheels, hotrod?” Evelyn sauntered closer and ran a hand down a thin black tie glued to his chest with sweat. It was quite a stretch as she was significantly taller than him, meaning the move was more awkward than intended.

Her mystery man did not respond. His mouth opened and closed like a fish and his eyes twinkled. A low moan seemed to sputter from the depths of his flabby throat but no comprehensible words.

“You got a name?” Evelyn asked, trying her best to act seductive. 

As she waited for an answer, Evelyn snatched a cocktail off of a passing dancer and licked the olive on a stick in what could only be described as a saucy manner. Then she coughed as olive juice trickled the wrong way down her throat, showering her partner with flecks of saliva. Wiping her streaming eyes, Evelyn was careful not to smudge the pink lightning make up around her eye, nor did she cough up a lung like she felt the need to.  As she dabbed up the tears with her finger, Evelyn noticed a small tag on the wrist of her mystery man. She couldn’t read all of it but what she could make out read:

_... name is Paul Blart. If lost… _

“Paul, huh? What a… what a name for such a… such a guy.” Evelyn regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth.

Dropping her head, Evelyn ran a hand through her hair. Some pink dust came off in her hand where she had chalked a streak of colour into her short blonde mop. It was a reminder of her failure to commit. She couldn’t stick to a single look, how did she expect to stick with Paul? Too free to be tamed, too spoiled to know how to flirt. She was a mess and it was time to end her “cool girl” charade.

“Look, Paul, I find you incredibly appealing both visually and probably sexually but I am no good at this. I’m a dithering idiot so I’m sorry for wasting you time. I’ll just go.” Evelyn apologised, throwing her whole heart into her words.

She turned to leave but a meaty hand gently grabbed her shoulder. Paul Blart guided Evelyn to look back at him. With his other hand hand, soft and sticky as a newborn kitten, Paul Blart caressed Evelyn’s cheek whilst treating her to gooey love eyes. It was enough to set Evelyn’s heart racing. Her skin burned red with longing underneath his tender touch. 

Drinking him in, Evelyn hungrily scanned his body. Her eyes lingered on his shirt buttons which strained to remain in their button holes where the fabric was stretched so tightly over Paul Blart’s many curves. With a trembling hand she reached down to caress his thick and vibrant moustache but her hand was forced away as Paul Blart was consumed by a brilliant white light. 

The floor around them cleared as dancers stumbled back in shock. Everyone gasped and stared but their concern was nothing compared to Evelyn’s. She reached forward into the light as it began to die. Temporarily blinded, her hand met something silky smooth. Spots swam across Evelyn’s vision but much to her relief she could still make out Paul Blart’s beautiful lumpy physique. Beefy hands held Evelyn steady as she swayed with the spots. She knew she was safe in the hands of Paul Blart so Evelyn remained calm in a situation where she might have once lashed out and killed her saviour. Evelyn knew she could never harm Paul Blart though. She was completely and irreversibly smitten with him.

When the confusion had lifted Evelyn was able to see her crush clearly in his fabulous new outfit: a beautiful anime schoolgirl outfit. Her hands were tangled in a big red bow smack dab in the middle of Paul Blart’s wonderfully padded (if somewhat damp) chest. His ponytail stood erect and fluttering in a non existent breeze like a true banner of masculinity. 

He was awe-some.

“I- I-” Evelyn stammered but Paul Blart silenced her with a single finger to the lips. 

His eyes closed as he leaned up on tiptoes with pink puckered lips. Heart racing faster than a synthetic drumbeat, Evelyn too closed her eyes. She was so ready for this kiss. Mentally she prepared herself as sausage-like fingers slid around the back of her neck. She could feel his laboured breath crashing against her chest as he inched his way closer. All over her body tingled in anticipation. Milliseconds stretched into hours as Paul Blart took his time, both of them savouring every single second. 

And then he was gone.

Evelyn’s eyes burst open to see a bandaged hand dragging Paul Blart away by his vibrant bow. Unleashing a shriek that shattered the discoball, Evelyn began to throw dancers aside in an effort to chase after her love. Her scorpion tail flailed about wildly behind her, stinging innocents that stood too close to her path of destruction. Discharges of electricity fired from Evelyn’s thundering hooves but there were too many bodies in the way. What had started as forty had quickly multiplied into an unknown magnitude of party-goers due to Evelyn’s mere presence. It stopped her from a quick pursuit so by the time she reached the tent opening Paul Blart and his kidnapper were long gone. In the distance she could hear the faint whirring of his wheels but it was impossible to tell which direction they were coming from. 

Rage. Just pure and utter rage flooded every fibre of Evelyn’s form. Her tail reared and her hooves smashed at the floor while she screamed.

“Hey Evelyn. Where did your thicc boyfriend go?” Kyle asked, stepping outside to talk to her.

Evelyn’s arm shot out and grabbed Kyle by the throat. He choked and squirmed as she threw him with an almighty force down to the ground before her. There was a series of satisfying crunches and snaps as she kicked him with her front two hooves. Kyle screamed but Evelyn was deaf to anything but her own despair. Bored of kicking him, Evelyn grasped her staff with both hands and raised it into the air before ferociously stabbing Kyle with the now bloody Everald more times than she cared to keep track of. As Kyle bled out, Evelyn’s fury was still not sated. Her hands sparked with blue lightning that she fired at Kyle, frying any traces of life he still had into oblivion. 

Leaving the now smouldering corpse behind Evelyn returned to the party. Seeing so many carefree smiles was enough to inspire a rampage. Wielding her staff, Evelyn slaughtered every creature in sight without a second thought for their innocence. Someone had taken Paul Blart from her. She might never see the love of her life again. These people deserved to die for her pain.

In a grand sweep of her weapon Evelyn threw her staff through the giant clown’s eye, thus ending the series of mutilations, electrocutions, and poisonings. Bodies were piled to knee height as Evelyn stood in the middle of the blood-soaked dancefloor. The lights were still flashing and the music still thumped but the room was otherwise motionless and silent. 

Evelyn surveyed her party-turned-slaughterhouse with an apathetic gaze. On the floor by her feet she spied a button, much like the ones that had strained on Paul Blart’s shirt. She dived for it and inhaled deeply. She could smell him, she was sure of it. That signature sweat was an unmistakable scent. 

Then the best idea dawned upon Evelyn. If she could smell Paul Blart then she could track him. She wouldn’t lose that handsome chunky devil after all. There was no time to waste. Although Evelyn was fond of her form she quickly shed it for a sleeker model, transforming her nose into one of a bloodhound. Bloodhounds were not good for anything other than hunting parties and as such, Evelyn was unfamiliar with how to use her tool. Nevertheless, she immeadiately bounded off out in search of her mystery love. Her Paul Blart, the fire that lit her passion.If she couldn’t have him, no one could.

As Evelyn raced out of the tent in her haste she trampled over the electrified skulls of her summoners. She hadn’t even had a chance to thank them for introducing her to the love of her life. Not that they cared at this point. The two boys were incredibly dead.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written based on a prompt from a friend on the Drawfee Discord. The characters are Evelyn from "The Ultimate Party Animal" video and Paul Blart is based upon the Drawga depiction and use of the character, both from the Drawfee Channel.
> 
> I was trying a new genre/style with this fic and I am sorry.


End file.
